My Dear Owen

To my dear Owen, 

Such a beautiful name, thank you for bringing us so much joy and even though it was short, it doesn't make it any less meaningful. 

19.05.2020

As usual, I was going for my monthly check-up. With my second pregnancy, guess I've taken a more relaxed path thinking all will be pretty alright, nothing much to worry about since we have passed the first trimester and my pregnancy symptoms have lessened so much. I choose to actually go for check-ups by myself, it was just a lot less stressful not having to worry about work. I went at about 8.30am after having breakfast at mom's place, reach at 9.00am, and waited quite a while for my turn. I see women going in and out probably for their antenatal scans, thinking that was what I just went through last month, and together with the NICC reports. Thank god everything turned out okay, and we have been beyond excited knowing that Oliver will be expecting a little brother. Me and Steven also decided we will name the baby Owen, so simple, so elegant, Olie and Owen, seem like a pretty perfect little family. We have pictured so much, our future holidays, our migrations, our plans, so much with little Owen in the picture. 

The nurse signaled me to go into Maha's room, as usual, some routine questions. It seems like we are both more relaxed this pregnancy, I told her about the concerns of weight gain but she doesn't seem as worried as the last pregnancy and just told me its still controllable. I lied down on the bed, excited for the ultrasound, can't wait for another pic to be put into my scrapbook. In less than a minute, she said:" I'm sorry but I can't see a heartbeat". My heart sunk, shocked, and I didn't know how to respond. She proceeded to do some measurements and concluded the baby is around 15 weeks old so his heart stopped beating about a week or more ago. I was in shock for a while, then proceeded to sob on the table. I try to pull myself together, but it was hard. I wanted to talk about the plans but she insisted I should talk to someone first. I stepped out to the garden and called Steven, I told him about it and he was in Butterworth, he wanted to rush to the hospital immediately. I didn't really know what to do so I just agreed. Then I called my mom, twice to get her phone, she told me to just come home first. I was sobbing uncontrollably in the garden, I sent a text to Michelle, I just couldn't, unwilling to let it go, to let it fade away. Someone else needed to know. I gathered myself and went back into Maha's room, she talked to me about the procedures that will be needed to take place and advise me to come back together with Steven. I went home, Steven was already there waiting for me at the car park, we grieved the loss together at home. Suddenly just like that everything seems to be taken away from us, the dreams we have built up, the future we have planned, pictured, our little Owen. I struggle back and forth between whether or not we should get a second opinion, Maha is well known in Penang for having the best equipment and best in scans, it's kinda pointless to get an opinion from someone else beneath her. I told Steven maybe Nicholas from LGL, he called and managed to get us squeezed in for tomorrow. I wanted today itself but we tried Ms. Yeoh from GMC but couldn't get an appointment with her. So we had to wait, we had to wait for Nicholas. Even if it was just a 0.01% chance, we just had to wait. I was somewhat a little less upset after knowing we are getting a second opinion, a little voice kept whispering in my ear, telling my heart to stay hopeful, maybe I am lucky, maybe I am blessed, maybe just maybe there's hope. We held hands and slept together, it was difficult to fall asleep, the wait was truly excruciating. 

20.05.2020 

I woke up at 5.30am to get ready to LGL, I wanted to make sure I will be able to see Nicholas before heading back to see Maha at 2pm because if we have to terminate the pregnancy, I kinda want to get it done before the Raya holidays. We left at 6.30am and waited in front LGL gate until 7.30am when we are allowed to go to register. Even though we register early, there was still a long wait to see him. My heart races each time someone leaves the room, I want to be called to confirm but yet I am so afraid of hearing the same thing again. I was nervous and afraid, my heart was racing, heart trembling, but I'm grateful to have Steven with me the whole time. At around 10am, the nurse called me. Nicholas was wonderful, kind, gentle, he took some time to understand my history, and we proceeded with the ultrasound. He confirmed the same, he looked around and showed me the screen, I could see the baby was still, and there was no color indicating oxygen around him. I know deep inside, our baby Owen's heart has stopped beating. He explained the procedure and comforted me assuring me many times that it's not our fault, and many things beyond our control could have caused it. He was wonderful, if not for our long history with maha, I would have gone to him for the procedure but after everything I thanked him, and told him we will be going back to see Maha.

After wrapping things up at LGL, we went to gurney plaza for lunch while waiting to see Maha at 2pm. The more I think about it, the more heartbreaking the whole thing is. I think about all the wonderful things that I am able to provide to Oliver but unable to provide to Owen because he didn't have the chance to make it into our family. The least I can do now while he's still in me is perhaps get some good food, and hopefully, through the umbilical cord or the amniotic fluid or something he is able to just experience a little more. I was sobbing while eating my Baskin robbins, but grateful Steven was there to comfort me through everything. He held me, I know he is sad too, we both are very very much. 

At 1pm, we left and headed back to Island. Maha was having her lunch break so we waited and waited, until she came back. There was no second scan in her room, I was glad we did see Nicholas for a confirmation, if not just based on one ultrasound scan seem to be a little reckless to make such decision even though she is the best in Penang. She was open for any questions from us, Steven asks about the cause, and it seems like both doctors are saying there are causes beyond our control. Maha then took out a pill which caused RM80, she told me I will need to take it today and then two more tomorrow morning before coming to the hospital. She took out a consent form for me to sign, and on top of there, I could see it says, termination of pregnancy. We signed the form and headed home. 

Seeing Nicholas did provide me more closure and acceptance to the whole thing, I was glad we took that step. I could sleep well this night, knowing I have a big day tomorrow. Steven dropped me home before going to the office to clear things off for the next two days, Oliver wanted to play downstairs the moment I got home, so we went for a walk, enjoy some time together. I have been neglecting him a little after receiving the news on Tuesday, but he was still all smiles and so joyful at every little thing. He points to the sky and said SKY! DOOR! TREE! BIRD! FISH! 

21.05.2020 

Another early morning, and I had some light breakfast with Steven before heading to the hospital. The nurse advises that we should be there at 7am to kick start everything, and took the pills at 6.30am. Started feeling some cramps around my uterus after taking the pills, admission as smooth and we were escorted to the labor room where the nurse inserted two more vaginally. After that the contractions started coming, slow and well timed in the beginning, I could feel it come and go, come and go, I breathe through each one, and rested before the next one. I was anxious, hoping this process won't be as long as my labor. Even if the pain, I try to stand up and move around, I wanted some help from gravity because at 7am the nurse say I'm still not dilated. The pain started worsening at around 10am plus, where it just goes on continuously and I was almost unable to catch a breath. Eventually, I told steven to call the nurse, she came in and checked and say I'm already dilated, she gave me a pain killer jab to help manage the contractions and I find myself relaxing and slowly falling into sleep. Steven next to me was slowly falling in and out of sleep too, then suddenly I felt a gush of water coming out, it was 11am. I told steven to quickly informed the nurse, then another gush. The nurse kept massaging my abdomen and another jab right into my right thigh then there were more being expelled out from my body, the sister came to see and confirmed. She asked me to keep coughing to try to expel it from my body internally, but I was not successful in expelling the entire placenta so I had to be sent to the OT. I had to do a COVID test before being sent to the operation room, I was quite tired after everything and kept falling in and out of sleep. A person came to take the COVID swab which was extremely unpleasant then after a while I was told that I am ready to be sent to the operation room. I was still in and out of sleep but could remember waiting for my turn in the operation then the doctor's nurses confirmed a couple of things, then the anesthesia kicked in and I was out completely. When I woke up I was still in the OT about to be sent back to the room, then slowly they sent me back to the room and I saw Steven was there waiting. I fell back to sleep before waking up to greet him. I was out of the operation room around 2pm then at around 3pm-ish I started feeling normal again, it was quite painful to go pee, and I was a little dizzy from the GA but other than that, I was feeling normal-ish. Dr Maha was jokingly saying that I could go back 5pm on that day itself, and I felt I was ready but perhaps staying a night would be better. And just like that, Owen, just like the name we have chosen for you, was short and beautiful. Forever remembered.